I'm adding a third post to Linda's. She came across a fabulous contest. Check it out on Brenda Drake's blog: http://brenleedrake.blogspot.com/2011/01/blogfest-contest-with-prizes-from-agent.html?showComment=1296072757571#c4089240962108017595
Here's my entry:
Name: Karlene Petitt
Title: Flight For Control
The storm raging outside the cockpit window reflected the nightmare Sandra called her career.
I, too, would love your comments, thanks!
This is subtle, yet drops a MASSIVE amount of clues as to what's coming.ReplyDelete
With one line the reader is able to glean her name, location, the weather, and what's currently going on with her career.
I love using immediately connecting the physicality with the psychology of the MC. And that had good imagery and description too.ReplyDelete
Excellent Karlene! Very exciting!ReplyDelete
I'm in the contest too... hop over and visit. I'd love to see you. I have a great tribute to moms posted today.
I really did like the sentence, but I'm not sure if it could be improved. I really liked what I read there and I would want to read more before making a call.ReplyDelete
Wow! Thank you all for the great comments!!! You gave me so much hope.ReplyDelete
This is the first line of my novel I've just submitted.
I'm thinking SM, Michael, Myne, and Christi that I want to hire you all for my PR agents. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond.
You know I love this opening, Karlene. Drama, intrigue, weather mirroring inner turmoil. Great sentence!ReplyDelete
I'd agree with the others that this first line has a strong sense of drama. Also you've immediately identified your MC and her state of mind. I'd love to see what happens next. Good luck!ReplyDelete
This is a powerful first sentence Karlene. It makes me really want to read more! Bravo!ReplyDelete
I like the way it gives a sense of setting, but there are some alternatives you could consider. Maybe something like, "The storm pounding outside the cockpit window raged like the tumultuous wreck of Sandra's career." I dunno, just playing around ...ReplyDelete
I love this. I don't have any suggestions because the sentence paints a vivid picture and tells me so much. Great job and I'm dying to know what comes next.ReplyDelete
Nice work. I did stumble a bit on "reflected the nightmare" but I'm really over thinking things here. Looking through a window seems like it would reflect things inside the cockpit, not outside. See, over thinking things.ReplyDelete
Overall, very nice work and would love to read more.
This sentence already makes me feel for the character (1-will the plane crash? 2-what, besides terrible flying weather, is wrong with the poor girl's career?). Yes, I'd want to find out what is going on in her life and read on! ChristyReplyDelete
I love it! I really like how the weather outside reveals how the character feels on the inside. Good luck!ReplyDelete