First Sentences For Critique

Three wonderful, brave ladies have offered up their first sentences for critique. Since you peeps are so awesome I know I don't need to remind you that we want constructive criticism only. Honesty is a necessity of course, but sprinkling a bit of what you liked about it in there makes the advice go down better. Please leave comments on any one you wish but lets be sure to spread the helpfulness around if you see on that isn't getting comments. Here they are in no particular order:

 

Sentence #1

Author: Joy N. Hensley

Short description: GEMMA-UP OVER YA about a girl who goes to Australia to hike after her dad dies and finds out the mom she thought was her mom isn't at all. Her mom is Australian and her dad was going to introduce them when they hiked. 

First sentence: Maybe if I was wearing something that said "My dad just died and all I got was this lousy T-shirt," people would know to let me bypass all the lines and just go on my merry way. 

 

Sentence #2

Author: Grechen

Short description: FOXTROT is a novel about a girl who's name is no longer her own. She must decide whether to give up her old identity in order to maintain her government mandated life or hold onto the shreds that are left of her old life.

First sentence: I shift uneasily on the old wooden bench, waiting for the sunrise to give me back a sense of color. 

 

Sentence #3

Author: Dora Dee 

Short description: The main protagonist is a nine year old girl. My novel takes place in Italy during the late 1950's. 

First sentence: (in italics)Why were her mother and sister doing laundry today of all days, the last day of St. Rocco's Feast? 

Sunday mornings were always loud and noisy at her house. She hadn't heard Grazia's high-pitched voice insistently asked her mother's opinion on what to where to church while desperately rummaging through their meager downstairs closet and her brothers were fighting over the bathroom like they usually did. 

Thank you in advance to everyone who helps out and leaves a comment. In the meantime, the critique sisters will work on these and we'll post our results next Wednesday. Let the comments commence!

 

~Heather

First Sentence Critiques

Summer is winding down which means the publishing world will soon be returning to their desks, reading those queries, partials, or fulls, and responding. If you're getting ready to go out on submission or are already out and waiting for a response then you need to make sure you're ready. An outstanding first sentence is a must, followed by an outstanding first paragraph, followed by an outstanding first page, you get the picture. But it all starts with that first sentence. What you learn by developing it, you can apply to your entire manuscript.

We at the critique sisters would like to live up to our name and help you critique your first sentence until it is outstanding. So what makes an outstanding first sentence? It must hook the reader's attention and then reel them in, getting them to read on. An extra set of experienced eyes is invaluable, and that's what we want to be for you.

We'd love to help everyone, and hopefully eventually we can, but for now we'll start with the first three people who would like help with their first sentence. Leave us a comment letting us know you'd like help, include a little about your novel (one sentence or two at most, it doesn't have to be pretty) and then leave your first sentence as well. Next Wednesday I'll post the first three sentences and open it up for feedback from our readers (constructive criticism only please). The Wednesday after that I'll post the three sentences with feedback from each critique sister.

~Heather