Last Line Critiques for Anna, Elaine, and Allison.

This week the critique sisters are critiquing Anna, Elaine and Allison’s last lines.

Great job ladies. And once again… there are many opinions.

Anna:

Set up: YA Contemporary. Ruby, 18, is a fangirl in a certain graphic novel fandom. She and a friend post an amateur video on their website that goes viral. Ruby has just watched the video (again) after learning the success of the film.

Last line: A shift has taken place and if I’m ready or not, that fan video represents the nine minutes and thirty-eight seconds that changed my life.

Linda:  I'd definitely read on. If you haven't already told us about the content of the video, great—I can't wait to find out what was on it. If you have, still good—I still want to know what happens now. One thing stopped me: the use of 'if' rather than 'whether' in 'if I'm ready or not.' My reaction could just be generational--maybe teens have that usage; I just always think the phrase is 'whether or not.'

Heather:  This is a strong last line. I would only make a few tweaks and honestly, their small and subjective so go with what your instinct tells you is right. My tweaked version: A shift has taken place and whether or not I'm ready, that fan video represents the nine minutes and thirty-eight seconds that changed my life.

Karlene:  Anna, I love what you’re doing with this. Yes, I want to read more beyond the last sentence. What if the last sentence was just tightened a bit? Make it a bit more edgy. I like to play with sentences. What do you think about this?

 A shift has taken place.  Ready or not—nine minutes and thirty-eight seconds has just changed my life.

Elaine Lowe:

Ok, this is the last line of the first chapter of a book I've been struggling with one and off for 18 months, while finishing 3 other books.

It's 1888, Emelia has left her family home in Maui to start a bakery on the Big Island in the cowtown of Waimea. The first man she meets has charmed the socks off of her. (but it's complicated...)

last line of Chapter 1:

"Emelia had never thought she would be married. That a man would really choose to spend his life with her. There were so many other beautiful, exciting, exotic women in Hawaii. Felipe was all she could have asked for, and more than she ever expected."

Linda: Given the setup, I'm feeling that Emelia is a very sympathetic character. Excellent. But I think the ending of this chapter would be much stronger if you eliminated the last sentence, or replaced it with something like, 'Felipe could have had any of them' or some other sentence that leaves more of an open question about what might happen in their relationship.

Heather: Hawaii is one of my favorite places in the world so this holds a dear place in my heart. That said, I'm wondering if this novel is told in second person because I don't feel as if Emelia is telling us the story, I feel as if you the author is. Which, if that's what you're going for is great-hard to pull off, but great if you can. I would cut back on the explicative's (beautiful, exciting, exotic) about the women and just choose one or two. It is telling instead of showing but again, not knowing your intended style for the novel, that may be what you're going for.

Karlene: I love the future drama here. But I’m feeling the last line raps up the story.  (I know it didn't) She got her man and her wildest dreams have come true. But we all know that fairytales are filled with struggles. What if we lead up to those struggles? Pure doubt might work. I added a last line to your last line. Let me know what you think.

"Emelia had never thought she would be married. That a man would really choose to spend his life with her. There were so many other beautiful, exciting, exotic women in Hawaii. Felipe was all she could have asked for, and more than she ever expected. She knew there was no such thing as fairytales, so what in the heck was he doing with her?

Allison Duke:

I'll give it a shot. YA fantasy: Taniya works in the royal stables where her stepfather Daret is the master. Her mother is ill, so Taniya rides her mother's horse in the annual festival parade. Throughout the parade and festival, she is torn between worrying over her mother, drooling over the handsome prince, Kanar, and dreaming of one day being one of the King's mounted warriors.

Last line of chapter one:

“As Taniya made her way back to the pavilion that had been set up for the horses, Daret’s groom came running toward her. “Taniya!” he cried. “Come quick. A messenger came for you and Daret. Your mother is worse, and she needs you!”

Linda:  The chapter ends on a worry—excellent! It will be much stronger if your last sentence is "Come quick," and you leave out the sentences that currently come after that. You can pick up the thread in the next chapter. (Also, in the sentence before that, if you change 'came running' to 'ran,' it will be more immediate and stronger.)

Heather: Ah I love YA fantasy! This is a great chapter ending, it builds tension and leaves us wanting to know more. There isn't much I'd change about it except to maybe drop the second exclamation point. Exclamation points lose their power the more we use them (a lesson I fought hard against, but eventually caved on). From him running toward her and his words we understand that he's urgent so the second one doesn't have to be there.

Karlene: I think that this sentence leaves me to closure. We already know the mother is sick, and now getting worse. What if we left the reason a mystery?

“Taniya!” he cried. “Come quick. A messenger came for you and Daret. Your mother needs you!”

Or

“Taniya! Come quick,” he cried. “A messenger came for you, it’s your mother!” he said, catching his breath. “She needs you.”

Linda says… “Nice job, everyone. Thank you for sharing. I loved reading all these.”

We all loved reading them. Thank you all for your participation. Allison, Elaine and Anna we would love to her your comments on our comments. Does anyone have anything else to add?

Thank you all for your participation. You all did a wonderful job.

Enjoy the Journey!

XOX Karlene