Dear ,
Personal greeting as to why I chose to query this particular agent, I'm confident (don't say please, don't apologize, they want you to be confident) you'll enjoy my young adult historical fantasy To Ride A Púca. It is complete at approximately 89,000 words. Those who enjoyed The Vespertine by Saundra Mitchell and Mistwood by Leah Cypess will enjoy this as well. (Some agents like this at the beginning and some like it at the end. You can never tell which so I say choose where you like to put it!)
During the twelfth century invasion of Ireland, Emily, one of the last of the druids, must master her power to keep her kind from being annihilated. (Every manuscript needs a one-sentence pitch or logline. This is a good place for it in your query).
Her parents lied to her. They told her a druid's power was only to heal people and that hers was defective. They also said her family was the last of their kind. An accident introduces Emily to Bren and an entire clan of other druids. From Bren she learns there are two kinds of druids, those that heal, and those that can use their power to fight. Turns out her power isn't so useless after all. But Emily doesn't have much time to master it before the invaders from across the ocean arrive. A betrayal brings them to her front door in search of a healer for their wounded. Emily's mother is given a week to heal the son of the warlord or they'll return to slaughter her entire clan. The lines of enemies and friends blurs and in the end she will have to choose between her country and keeping those she loves alive. (This feels a bit long but I'm not sure what to keep and what to cut).
I regularly attend conferences, workshops, and retreats to improve my craft and network. I am part of a critique group that exchanges material regularly. My online presence is strong and active. I am mentored by (Cut out to protect the names of the innocent. ;) If you have awards, publishing credits or the like, this is where to put them in. I do not as of yet.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Heather McCorkle
EmailPhone#
Feel free to copy and paste into the comments with your editing suggestions, or just list your suggestions. I'll try to put up a copy of my Critique Sisters edits for you to see.
~Heather
I suck at critting queries (okay, I suck at writing them, too).
ReplyDeleteI do know you don't mentioned the critique group part. Agents assume writers have CPs and beta readers. And not all CPs and beta readers are created equal. Some are miserable at it. Agents know that too. ;)
Heather, this is so helpful! I love the logline concept.
ReplyDeleteAnd to leave out the word "please" to be confident is interesting. Isn't it a shame that politeness is taken as a lack of confidence? But, you are so right! I'm learning that lesson this year.
I like Stina's comment on the critique group. She makes an excellent point.
Also... the body of your query is great! I would not have touched a thing. But since you said you thought it was too long, and weren't sure what to cut and leave... I played with it. I hope it helps. And, I hope that other readers will comment too.
Her parents lied to her. They told her a druid's power was only to heal people and that hers was defective. They also said her family was the last of their kind. But an accident introduces Emily to Bren and an entire clan of other druids. From Bren she learns there are two kinds of druids, those that heal, and those that can use their power to fight. Her power isn't so useless after all, but Emily doesn't have much time to master it before the invaders arrive. A betrayal brings them to her front door and Emily's mother is given one week to heal the son of a warlord or her entire clan is slaughtered. In the end she will have to choose between her country and keeping those she loves alive.
Change: Added But to 4th sentence.
Changed: Turns out her power isn't so useless after all. But Emily doesn't have much time to master it before the invaders from across the ocean arrive.
TO: Her power isn't so useless after all. But Emily doesn't have much time to master it before the invaders arrive.
Changed: A betrayal brings them to her front door in search of a healer for their wounded. Emily's mother is given a week to heal the son of the warlord or they'll return to slaughter her entire clan.
TO: A betrayal brings them to her front door and Emily's mother is given one week to heal the son of a warlord or her entire clan is slaughtered.
Changed: The lines of enemies and friends blurs and in the end she will have to choose between her country and keeping those she loves alive.
TO: In the end she will have to choose between her country and keeping those she loves alive.
I made changes in red and pasted...but comments won't take colors. So I hope this helps. Original 155 words to 133. Not much, but maybe it won't feel so long to you.
Looking forward to seeing you in two days. I'll have my queries ready for you and Linda then. :)
I'm a fan of cutting the opening schmooze to bare bones, so would try to eliminate the "I'm confident" stand-alone sentence, and instead combine it with the first sentence: "Your interest in/representation of____ reinforces my belief that my work is a match for you."
ReplyDeleteComparisons good!
Logline good!
Descriptive paragraph not too long at all! In fact, I would suggest adding some words to the first sentence. Why did her parents lie to her? Were they trying to protect her? Possibly so she wouldn't suffer the same fate as someone else they loved? This sort of thing is powerful, adds complexity and depth, and thereby draws the reader in. So, using my supposition, the sentence would become:
Her parents lied to her about her powers to protect her from the fate their beloved ____________________(description of person/s) suffered.
After that, I would make the changes Karlene and Stina have suggested—they were good!
Nice work, Heather! Thank you so much for sharing and letting us play with this online.
Oh, sorry, I forgot to say: I want to know how old Emily is. Could you add it in the sentence that starts: 'An accident introduces (x-teen year old) Emily to Bren . . .'
ReplyDeleteStina, you make a fantastic point! The only reason I have it on there is actually because an agent in a live pitch once asked and said in her opinion it was good to know and put in a query. But as to querying anyone but her, you're right, it probably isn't necessary!
ReplyDeleteKarlene, Linda, Great feedback ladies! Thank you so much! I can feel it improving already.
Queries are so hard! I'm in the midst of honing mine too...no luck, LOL!
ReplyDeleteI noticed that your "body" paragraph could be more specific. For instance, what betrayal are you talking about? Who is the enemy?
Also, your last sentence needs to sound more unique, IMHO. Choosing between country and people the MC loves is a common theme. What makes it special for Emily?
Nice job!
I agree with Laura's comments. I have to work on my own query soon. It stresses me out!
ReplyDeleteLB, great points! The enemy needs to be more solid, more tangible. Thank you! Special for Emily, I'll have to think on that one. Great advice!
ReplyDeleteLydia, it does indeed! Ugh, I loath query letters. Perhaps because they are so important. Best of luck with yours! Stop by if you need help!
So Heather, now that we have you completely confused... lol. This is an excellent demonstration of the many differing opinions. How do you sort through them all?
ReplyDeleteLOL! Great point Karlene. I think the most important thing to remember is that we must take all advice and feedback into consideration and in the end stay true to what feels right.
ReplyDeleteHeather, I'm a bit late in responding to this and I agree with the suggestions already made. I've often heard to skip "speaking for the agents" at all..meaning don't tell them they will enjoy your book. BUT DO compare it to other books you feel it is similar too. Also, I know "Her parents lied to her." is followed with the specifics, but I really like how Linda suggested you combine that sentence with other information. Otherwise it sounds too general and like it could be omitted. This was so wonderful of you to post online. I am terrible at writing queries and love your reasoning in blue. Very helpful, as always! Question for you: Have you heard to add in about crit groups and online presence in addition to publication credits? Do agents want to know that "stuff? Thanks, christy
ReplyDelete